Posted by Sandra Chat on
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
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Settling and compromising are two words often misinterpreted in relationships. Its important to understand their meanings and difference as the two will surface at some point of your dating journey.
To settle as it relates to relationships in my book means to make a decision. To accept someone based on circumstances and fear of not finding the man or woman your heart truly desires. There's no true love or compassion when you settle. You do it just because. People settle for many reasons, a few include but not limited to the following:
1. They're getting old and want to have kids soon.
2. They have a child by someone and figure it would be easier for the child that the mother and father stay together.
3. They were in the same relationship for so long, they figured its easier to just stay with the person then starting all over again.
4. The person is nice to them and they don't want to hurt their feelings.
5. THEY DON'T THINK THEY CAN FIND BETTER!!!!
To compromise on the other hand means to love someone so much that you are willing to overlook their flaws to make the relationship work. Examples of flaws maybe a person who is messy, a person who passes gas/burps often, a person who talks a lot, a person who can't cook, a person who loves to tell jokes that aren't funny, a person who is short/tall, a person who is over weight or extremely thin, a person who is a neat freak, a person with a birth defect, a person with childhood bad habits (sucking of the thumb), etc. I can go on but you get my drift. To be able to compromise is actually a must in any successful relationship. Compromising requires that you give a little and you also take a little. Its important to understand that EVERYONE has flaws and its up to you to decide what flaws you can deal with and what flaws you can't. You're not perfect so don't expect to find someone that's perfect.
At the end of the day, if you are dating someone for any reason but love; know you have settled. However, if you're dating someone and the things that used to bother you doesn't anymore and you can't seem to get enough of this person; you've mastered the art of compromising and you are well on your way to a happy successful relationship.
Posted by Sandra Chat on
Sunday, October 25, 2009
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Determining whether or not he or she is "The One" is very simple. Be honest with yourself in terms of how you feel when you're around this person. I know this statement may come across as being too basic, but in all honesty, its really not that complicated.
Ask yourselves the following questions. Do you feel good when this person comes around or calls? Do you laugh together? Can this person get along with your friends and family? Does this person want kids? If so, how are they around young children in their family or community? Does this person have a happy spirit or are they always down and depressed? You may not be able to answer all these questions on your first date but it shouldn't take years either. No one knows you better than you know yourself. Therefore, spending unnecessary time with someone that doesn't compliment you is clearly a poor choice on your part.
Unfortunately, many people date for the wrong reasons; loneliness, good looks, money, social status, or even desperation. As a young adult, this may be more common and expected due to the lack of maturity and experience. However, many adults too fall victim to these idiosyncrasies. Thus, relationships resulting in breakup or divorce.
It doesn't matter if you're in your early twenties, thirties or forties, you'll never be able to determine whether he or she is "The One" unless you know what you want. Do yourself a favor and list the top 10 qualities you're looking for in a mate/spouse and the top 10 things you will not tolerate. This way, you'll be able to determine much quicker and easier if the person you are dating or interested in is "The One". The point of writing the list is to help guide you in the right direction. Therefore, if you decide to alter your list midway through your relationship , there's a pretty good chance problems will surface in the future. For example, if one of your top must have traits in your mate is "money" and you settle for someone who doesn't have much "money", you may later resent that person. Another example; if you decided that you will absolutely not accept a mate that's verbally abusive and you allow your mate to verbally abuse you one time; chances are he or she will continue to verbally abuse you.
When you reach a point in your life where you feel confident and happy within your own skin, it becomes easier to determine what you want in a partner. Most happily married couples can tell you they knew their spouses were "The One" fairly early on in their relationship because they knew what they wanted and refused to settle for just anyone. When you meet "The One" you will know. It will feel so right you won't be able to describe it.
Posted by Sandra Chat on
Sunday, October 18, 2009
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Are you tired of doing the same things over and over?
Would you be interested in trying something new, fun and exciting but your budget is on the lower end? Well, you're in luck because I put a list of great staycation ideas for you and your spouse. Stop complaining about how bored and broke you are. Do yourself and your spouse a favor and take a "Staycation".
1. Have a picnic. (Indoors is just as romantic as outdoors)
2. Give each other your own signature massage treatment.
3. Purchase a comedy sitcom that you both enjoy and plan an evening to watching the entire series together.
4. Game night. Whoever wins the best out of 4 games wins a special prize. You decide what that prize is.
5. Take a Salsa class together. Practice your new moves all night.
6. Throw a small cocktail party. Invite a couple of close friends over and have some fun
7. Cook a romantic candlelight dinner together.
8. Go out on a date. (Doesn't have to be anywhere fancy but look nice and plan to have a good time. If you live in the same town, consider going to the place where the two of you first met. Will bring back good memories)
9. Day of pampering. (What is it that your spouse love? Figure it out and turn it into a special day just for them. Then perhaps the favor can be returned the next day)
10. Plan a day to visit friends and family that live close but you never have time to see them. (Shouldn't be more than an hour drive).
Hope you find my list to be helpful. If you do decide to try any of these ideas, let me know how it works for you. If you have any ideas that you would like to add, simply let me know. I'm sure my viewers would be grateful.
Posted by Sandra Chat on
Monday, October 12, 2009
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Both men and women share the universal understanding of "My man/woman is off limits." Meaning, if you are aware the individual you are pursuing or that's pursuing you is in a committed relationship; married or dating, you must simply not get involved with that person, even if he or she is willing. If they can cheat on their mates, what makes you think they won't cheat on you?
The reason why an individual may get upset and attack the other person before addressing their mate is because they're upset and they allow their emotions to take control of the situation, especially if they're caught in the act. Additionally, not only would one feel threatened and disrespected by the other person, but it maybe their only opportunity to confront them if they don't know them. If the individual does in fact know the other person, they may become even more outraged by the betrayal. After all, you've broken the universal code.
Its ok to confront the other person as long as you intend to address and settle things with your mate. Whether you decide to stay or leave is up to you. Having said that, it is not ok to put all the blame on the other person for interfering in your relationship. It takes two people to cheat, not one. Your mate is more guilty then they are.
Do we want to get cheated on? No, but we do. Should we confront and be mad at the other person? Yes, its expected that you'd be upset and feel the need to confront them. However, you must do it with class. You should never give away your power and control. Using extreme profanity and physical measures will only bring you down to their level. Should you be upset with your mate? Of course! They are more to blame then the other person. Should you stay with your mate after he or she has cheated? That's a decision you will have to make.
This goes back to my previous posts about loving yourself and knowing your mate. If you haven't read it, please check it out. When you can truly say that you love yourself, it will become easier to address situations such as these. If you're every cheated on, look at it as their loss and a lessons learned for yourself.
Posted by Sandra Chat on
Sunday, October 4, 2009
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OK, so you finally meet someone you believe is compatible. The two of you exchange a few words and before you know it, you're getting ready for your first date. You are so excited at this point. You feel the butterflies swirling around in your stomach because you're almost positive"this is the one", at least that's what you tell yourself. After all, you've already made it through the awkward introduction stage and he/she's certainly pleasing to the eyes so what can go wrong? You finally meet up and the unthinkable happens; you have absolutely no interest in what your date has to say. As a matter of fact, this has quickly become the most boring date you've ever been on in your entire life and to your misfortune, your date on the other hand is into you and wants a second date. What do you do?
Run!!!!! Lol, just joking. Running is the last thing you want to do. After all, if the person is psycho, they will find you. When I say "Run", I mean avoiding the person's calls and never calling them back. We're all adults here and deserve to know the truth. Nothings worse then going the rest of your life saying "I wonder what happened to xyz". There's no nice way to get rejected but there's certainly a respectful way. Have you ever heard the saying "Honesty is the best policy?" Well, it's the truth.
You can lie and make up stories about how you're getting back with your ex or that you're dating someone else but what good would that really do? One lie would only leads to another and another until you're caught. Or if the person really likes you, they will not take no for an answer. Telling the person you're not interested anymore and would like to see other people is the best way to go. This clears your conscious and alleviates any questions the other person may have. Some may ask why and demand an explanation while the majority will simply agree and move on with their life.
Be prepared for negative reactions and obscene remarks. Not everyone takes rejection well and therefore may object. If this were the case, be firm and brief yet respectful. Say what you have to say and get off the phone or walk away. Below are two break up liners I wrote to better assist you in the event you find yourself in this situation. Good luck!
1. "Hi xyz. It was a pleasure meeting you the other night. I thing you're a great person however, I don't feel that we are as compatible as I originally thought. Through our conversations and getting to know you a little better, I can't see a future with you developing beyond where we are now. I think it would be best that we go our separate ways."
2. "Hi xyz, I'm flattered that you'd want to see me again but to be honest with you, I'm not interested in pursuing this relationship any further. I'm more interested in men/women who... and based on our conversations, you don't fit those qualification. I think you're a great person and would make someone else very happy, I'm just not that person. I hope you understand."
